The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long 
bungee cord forpeople who aren't ready to 
commit suicide but want to get in a little
practice.

Christian deodorant: Thou shalt not smell.

In some hotels they give you a little sewing kit.  
You know what I do?  I sew the towels together.  
One time I sewed a button on a lampshade.  
I like to leave a mark.

Lou Gehrig was a pretty tough guy, but I wonder 
how he handled it when they told him he had Lou 
Gehrig's disease?"

Just once I'd like to see a high-speed funeral 
procession.  A hearse, some flower cars and a bunch 
of limousines tearin' ass through town at 70 mph on 
their way to the cemetery.  Maybe someday a racecar 
driver will put that in his will.

Fun at the ballpark: Y'ever notice that a lot of guys 
bring a glove to the game to  catch a foul ball?  
Never mind that, bring a bat!  When a foul ball comes 
flying toward you, BAM!  Hit it back to the players.
Everyone will sense you're a fun fan.  They'll be 
glad they came to the ballpark on straightjacket 
night."
 
*** Random comedians ***
 
I remember the day the candle shop burned down.  
Everyone just stood around and sang 'Happy Birthday.'  
  (Steven Wright)

My wife insists on turning off the lights when we 
make love.  That doesn't bother me.  It's the hiding 
that seems so cruel.  
  (Jonathan Katz)

I cut my Adam's apple shaving.  What a mess...apple 
juice everywhere.  
  (Drake Sather)

When my mother makes out her income tax return 
each year, under 'Occupation,' she writes in 
"Eroding my daughter's self-esteem."
  (Robin Roberts)

Therapy is like a really easy game show where 
the answer to every question is: "My mom?"  
  (Robin Greenspan)

This country loves guns; we even have salad shooters.  
This country thinks that salad is too peaceable; 
you have to find some way to shoot it.  
  (Bill Maher)

At my gym they have free weights - so I took them.  
  (Steve Smith)

I have low self-esteem.  When we were in bed together, 
I would fantasize I was someone else."  
  (Richard Lewis)

I still can't believe that people I know - my peers 
- are making babies.  I'm too lazy to make a salad.  
  (Hellura Lyle)

I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't.  
So I grew hair under my arms instead.  
  (Sue Kolinsky)

Gay Republicans - how exactly does that work?  We 
disapprove of our own lifestyle.  We beat ourselves 
up in parking lots.  
  (Paula Poundstone)

I'm trying to get back to my original weight: 
eight pounds, three ounces.  
  (Cheril Vandetti)

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day 
because that means it's going to be up all night.  
  (Steven Wright)

I suffer from peroxide-aphobia.  Every time I've 
gotten near a blonde woman, something of mine has 
disappeared.  Jobs, boyfriends...once an angora 
sweater leapt right off my body.  
  (Rita Rudner)

I had a cholesterol test: They found bacon.  
  (Bob Zany)

My parents have been married for 55 years.  
The secret to their longevity?  "Outlasting your 
opponent."  
  (Cathy Ladman)

I don't like country music, but I don't mean to 
denigrate those who do.  And for the people who like 
country music, 'denigrate' means "put down."  
  (Bob Newhart)

I played with my grandfather a lot when I was a kid.  
He was dead, but my parents had him cremated and put 
his ashes in my Etch-a-Sketch.
  (Alan Harvey)

We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little 
feet - so we bought a dog.  Well, it's cheaper and 
you get more feet.  
  (Rita Rudner)

A lot of people are afraid of heights.  Not me - I'm 
afraid of widths.  
  (Steven Wright)

I've got good kids...love my kids.  I'm trying to 
bring them up the right way, not spanking them.  
I find waving the gun around gets the same job done.  
  (Denis Leary)

If people on Jeopardy are so smart, then why can't 
they write their names better?  
  (Todd Glass)

I got some new underwear the other day.   
Well, new to me.
  (Emo Phillips)

I don't exercise.  If God wanted me to bend over, 
he would've put diamonds on the floor.  
  (Joan Rivers)

I lost my job.  No, I didn't really lose my job.  
I know where my job is, still.  It's just that when 
I go there, there's this new guy doing it.  
  (Bob Goldthwait)